"Get back your faith again, you have the power to believe, another dissident, take back your evidence, it has no power to deceive." - Heaven by Live
"I'm alive for you. I'm awake because of you." - Awake by Godsmack
Why is it that when listening to something I tend only to catch a few elements and then those elements are all that resonate?
For over a week whenever I brought Modeh Ani (a morning prayer) into my mind, I heard the line from Godsmack. Every time I hear someone telling me how they've ceased to believe in a greater power, there's Live echoing in my head.
Lately though, there's been a huge change in my life. I spent many years living on a precipice of faith. Part of my soul swinging toward the ancient ways of the Celts, part swinging toward a shamanic view of the world, and the rest of me barely holding to the traditions of my youth. This let me be very open minded about other peoples view points, but I was closed to the view Judaism as anything but a remnant.
I thought of Jews as very closed minded and lost my faith. I kept looking at media evidence, and failed to realize that religions can grow. I finally thought I had found a new path that others hadn't walked that would allow me to marry my pagan ways to a Jewish tradition I loved. Amazingly, as I'm describing it to my mother, she tells me such already exists.
A bit more research, and yes, there's a small minority of Jews that heed the voice of Shekeinah. A bit more research shows that there are Jews that recognize the four elements of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. I allow myself to wake up anew.
Before talking to my mother, and doing this research, I had thought to see if I could find those who thought like me, and sway them to joining me in my home for quiet Shabbat morning services and Torah discussion. Now I know there's groups of the meeting, and it's my job to find those groups, not create them.
I feel as if I can truly take back my faith again. As if I can call myself a Jew, and mean it once more. No longer am I a Pagan Jew, now I am simply a Jewish Mystic. I see the glorious divinity that surrounds me, and I can embrace it as I always wished, and feel it embracing me. This is what allowed me to wake up and wish to sing prayers.
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